A (mostly) final reflection on what I've learned during Graduate School.

*Excerpted from the final personal reflection required of my MSE/Licensure program

I learned to read at 4 years old, skipped the 2nd grade, tested into the gifted program, and was the apple of my schizophrenic mother’s eye. As my home life worsened, my grades dropped until I was failing almost all of my classes by the 6th grade. I was then dropped from the gifted program, which set my confidence spinning and took me years to get over (if I have at all). I went from being “very smart” to being “very stupid.”  

I knew I wanted to change my trajectory in high school, and worked very hard to do so. Lacking sufficient home support, though, I was only able to manage a 2.5 GPA, which was much less than I might have had. I failed out of college on the first try, again the victim of a lack of study skills and confidence. Over the years, I have fought back, having to be admitted on probation for every degree I’ve pursued (BA in History, most of an MPA before deciding to become a teacher, and now my MSE). I know what it’s like to feel stupid, and I’m determined that I will not allow a student’s classroom performance to affect my love for them. 

Last year, I had a difficult time talking to my students in ways that they could understand. This year I have become much more adept at working where they are. An old version of me laments this “dumbing down” of what I have worked so hard to achieve, but an even deeper version of me is driving me onward, never losing touch with how important it is to show respect to the disrespected, and hope to the hopeless. Unfortunately, I do not believe that those terms are hyperbolic when they describe the experiences of many of my students’ educational journeys.

I’m not much for “callings,” or any other religious-style description of how our lives play out. I think, however, that I am beginning to understand what people are feeling when they say those things. I have never been challenged as I have been these two years; and I’ve never wanted so much to be good. Working to wear this “hat” has improved the fit of my other hats: parent; husband; community member. What I have the potential to be is well-suited to the name “educator.”

I do not believe the journey ever ends. I do not believe that learning ever ends. I am not interested in taking up a position on the way. I am not interested in being “finished.” My experience has shown me that, at 38, I laugh at my 35-year-old self. In turn, that self laughs at my many other selves as I look backward down the road. The backward gaze only lasts long enough, however, to be reminded that the way is forward, and there is always much to learn. 

Hacking away at thoughts

I'm 36. This fall I feel a little bit like the grown up. I've had kids for 13 years. Sorry kids.

At the same time, my greatest success as a teacher and parent has come from letting go of "being the grown up."

These ideas that ancient traditions discuss, there's reality there.

Pride born out of brokenness is one of the major problems in our world.

The only way to win a war is to kill all of your enemies. All of them. This is the biggest reason they shouldn't be fought.

In Star Trek, do people on earth all get along as a result of having formed an planetary identity as humans?

Holidays are hard for me. I'm starting to learn this. I don't understand how people are supposed to enjoy each other. This is a mountain I need to climb.

There are 14,000 ft peaks to conquer in the minds of our children. Depths to dive into in their hearts. Many, many children are lacking good love in their lives.

Life is sweet, in spite of the misery.

I do not understand affiliations. I do not understand allegiances to faith, race, culture, ethnicity, etc., etc...

I often hope that I'll know when it's my time to die. I hope that I'll be old. I hope that I'll have the opportunity to just walk into Yosemite and die in the arms of the earth. I hope my children will understand.

I should be doing homework and grading right now. I'm drinking a beer instead.

I've learned about 300 new names in the last 4 months. That's not an exaggeration.

I really do want to record an album.

He lost his mind today...

That title is from a Guns 'n' Roses song. I think it's "Dust and Bones" but I'm not sure. Everyone gasp in unison. I can't remember the band, title and release date, but hey, it's been a long couple of weeks.

Here's all I want to say. Maggie's cousin straightened her hair this weekend. It looked super cute, but, suddenly my rough and tumble nine year old wants her hair done in the morning.

This is not okay.

Thanks for empathizing.

Be well.

Learning how to parent on the run

Tonight was interesting. At 5:30 I had a dinner for all of the former Bethel College board members, followed at 7:30 by the annual corporation meeting to handle the business of the college and inevitably to process the termination of our president that took place in August.

And I forgot to get a sitter.

Megan's show opens tonight (probably intermission-ish time as I type) and it's been on the calendar for months, so this was all on me. Maggie had a sleepover, so one kid down. In the process of rushing home on my scooter to figure out what to do with Lennon, my cellphone got soaked in a downpour. Ease of access to information/people? Gone.

I had some options but either didn't have my shit together enough to act or didn't have the will impose on others' plans.

So what did we do?

I took a deep breath and I acted on a thought that occured to me during my interview for the Director of Admissions. I was asked how I would manage the number of hours required for the job. In answering that I already work pretty much 24/7, I described the way my work environment would embrace families, embrace kids, and make work possible for people with families.

Lennon often tells me that he wants to work at Bethel with me when he gets big (a sure-fire melter for this daddy), so tonight I put him in a button-up, pulled a sweater vest over his head, stuck my extra nametag on him and we went to work!

He did great! Perfect? Not by a stretch. Were some people annoyed? I suppose they probably were. But Lennon and I did the dance of negotiation, communicated verbally and nonverbally, laughed quietly while important things were happening, and made it through. I walk away from this experience extremely proud of keeping my cool, breathing deep and keeping communication open with my son instead of allowing myself to lose patience at key moments. I hope we'll be better for it.

The meetings? Anticlimactic. I'll take it.