Sunday, April 26, 2015

Living into a new identity

I was just interrupted in my pursuit of homework, hoop-jumping, and lesson-planning by the loud whooping of young children in my front yard. I looked out and saw two young boys and a girl, all around 7ish years old, staring intently under the culvert next to my house, one with a hammer in hand...


These ducks live in that culvert, and likely have a nest nearby. Being fond of them, the hammer made me a little uneasy so I threw on a sweatshirt and walked outside. As I stepped outside, hammer-boy launched his missile toward "my" mallard. My body got a shot of adrenaline and my heart went up to my throat. Somewhere inside of me, Hulk raged to get out and tear those kids a new one, verbally or otherwise.

But I'm working to be a better me all the time. "Hulk" is a long ways in my past, but "asshole" is a little closer to the surface. But I credit my experience and knowledge teaching with what happened next.

"HEY." This was my manliest, firmest teacher voice. They all stopped dead in their tracks and stood at attention. They remained still as I covered the 100 feet between them and me, seriously but not threateningly keeping my eyes on them. I stopped about 10 feet short of them.

"Hey guys, those ducks live around here and they've got a nest that's going to have babies soon. If you kill those ducks with that hammer, those babies won't have any parents to take care of them." This was my quiet, focused, "you just fucked up bad, but I still love you" teacher voice.

Their expressions changed from Lord of the Flies to cute-and-cuddly, we-love-baby-animals.

"You guys don't want that do you?" "No!"

Now I'm smiling. Where do you guys live? What are you doing with that dead rabbit carcass (mmm hmmm)? Do you know what kinds of animals might want to eat that? Etc.

They waved goodbye and ran off to their house, heads, pride, and tears intact. They're just kids. They just needed a helping hand in the right direction. Yeah, I'm tootin' my own horn. I'm proud of myself. Because I. Was. Pissed. :)

Now, I'm sitting here wondering if a dad will come shoot me. Thanks, Brownback.

Homework. Hoops. Lesson plans. 21 days until I'm a Master of Education. On paper anyway.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Work



I have a particular way I do most things. I get a little bit of insight to something, then I think and fold and sift and knead and turn over in my head, sometimes for extended periods of time. I've been engaged in this organizing process with Buddhism for some time...and with religion for far-longer. 

I was brought up short a couple of years ago when a revered Buddhist, Thich Nat Hanh, wrote in his book Living Buddha, Living Christ, “I always encourage them to practice in a way that will help them go back to their own tradition and get re-rooted. If they succeed at at becoming reintegrated, they will be an important instrument in transforming and renewing their tradition." Here I had been looking for an escape from Christianity, and the revered teacher to whom I was looking for a path told me to go back. That's what I've been sifting for awhile. I recently came to the conclusion that his advice is good, but I'm not quite going to take it.

First, I feel quite well-rooted in my home tradition of Christianity. (I'm not going to back up that argument in this space, but a fireside chat and drink on the topic are always welcome.) Knowing what I know, I'm very confident in saying that it doesn't work for me. It doesn't add up, and I just see evidence neither for the verifiable existence of the God of Abraham, nor certainly of the complicated treatise that was the mission of Jesus Christ. I'm working very hard for my separation from Christianity to be amicable, because I believe it would be wrong to show disrespect to Christian believers.

Secondly, I see in Thich Nat Hanh's advice a call to "know where you come from." In my mind, this means to always search for the bias, for the conditioning and assumptions that exist in my mind and heart based on my roots. This happens to be a type of reflection that I have gotten very good at over the years while trying to make my way. This skill has been particularly painful, useful, and honed during my almost two years now as a teacher. I am deep in the process of trying to achieve mindfulness and control over my ego and emotion.

The quote at the top took my breath away when I read it today in the book Entering the Stream: An Introduction to the Buddha and his Teachings. It's actually from the teachings of the Buddha, but was quoted in the manuscript.

You have to do your own work. Those who have reached the goal will only show the way.

This captures not only my life, but my philosophy on "doing" life. 

I feel there is something for me on this road of exploration, in this new recipe that I'm learning. It just makes sense. I still feel silly, though, saying it out loud.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Grace

When I consider the Christian doctrine of God's grace for our sinful nature, I consider the state of this world. I find I believe that any loving God is as much in need of our grace as we of God's.
I concentrate on acknowledging, and releasing, the anger that awakens inside me, toward that God.