Something occurred to me this morning, and I've shared it with almost everyone I've seen, so I'd just as well put it down here.
I think some of what keeps me from being a more regular blogger is just this: that I say what I'm thinking to all of those who cross my path. By the time it comes down to creating a post, I already feel redundant.
Today was the day on my Flatrock 25K training schedule when I was to run 6 miles. The training schedule I'm using, and most schedules I've perused, use the weekends as a long run opportunity. It's become clear to me that this is a common method because it works. Now last year, as I trained for this same race, I decided that the long weekend runs were a bad idea. In all of my wisdom as a novice long-distance runner I knew I could outsmart the system.
This morning as a began to think about the long run ahead of me (having only run 3 miles 3 times this week, and poorly running two 4ish mile legs (minus mistakes) during the Brew-to-Brew Relay in April - or March - I don't remember) I began once again to have feelings of misgiving regarding this long run. Thankfully my friend Zach didn't wait for me to call him, and texted me with a suggested time, to which I agreed, otherwise I think I may have skipped it altogether.
As I was preparing to go meet him, I was struck by a realization. I was scared. I was scared to go out and try to run 6 miles. As that thought started to sink in, it became clear that fear was the real reason I altered my training last year. The long runs intimidate me. Not for the distance I think; but for the fact that they might find me wanting. Wanting in that very area that I hope running will help me improve: self-discipline.
I shared this realization with Megan, and it felt good. It felt good to let go of preconceived ideas about manhood and worth. It felt good to own and embrace what I see (saw?) as a shortcoming. I was free now to meet this challenge, face this fear, on my own terms, within my own limits.
All I did was go out, comfortable in that skin, and have the greatest running experience of my life. No world beater of a time at 10 minutes/mile, but exactly where I'd hoped to be, and I never felt strained. I was in my skin the whole time. I know not every run will be like this, but I've given myself permission to do my best, not anyone else's.
